All People Are Unique

But It All Begins With Their stories

Often we will say to people who express an interest in coaching – "Tell me the Reader’s Digest version of your life." It is amazing that everyone can tell their story. And out of our stories comes how we show up in the world.

Since our stories are all “made up” one has to wonder why we don’t make up more exciting positive or successful stories about ourselves and our lives! One of the main reasons we don’t is because of what some call our “conditioned tendency.”

Conditioned Tendency

A person’s conditioned tendency is the result of things that they have learned or heard from the past. These lessons come from five sources of society’s attempt to domesticate us – our gene pool, our family, our culture, our education and our religion. I invite you to view my video on this subject for a more detailed explanation of each area.

We have a very quick, almost instantaneous, ability to consciously, or often subconsciously, know how someone will act in a given certain set of circumstances because we have this ability to unconsciously read their conditioned tendencies.

Informal Lessons
From our gene pool source, we get messages about our gender, self-gender identification, sexual orientation or preference, racial identification and ethnic identification and the many, often very confusing, messages about these very complex areas. So, just being born can start us on a path to our own misunderstanding, let alone when we try to figure out others!

From our family domestication source come messages about: “In our family we do or don’t …” This includes things like talking back to parents and adults, swearing (even though the adults do it), watching violent TV programs, bedtime, etc. This can also include food issues such as eating certain foods or eating at certain times, which often overlap cultural and religious lessons.

From our cultural domestication source we get our language and training and messages about, our history, laws and customs, clothing and fixed dietary customs and traditions, all of which are influenced and taught to us based by way of our nationality, our parents, siblings and group and can even apply to specific regions of the nation in which we were born or live.

Formal Lessons

From our educational source come messages about the type of work that we do or should not do, and even our “chosen” (by whom) profession. We get indoctrinated by our teachers, guidance counselors, mentors, coaches, and consultants with messages about being smart or not so smart, having to go to a “good” school or end up in a “not so good” school because you are not smart enough or wealthy enough to get into that good school, which influences our work or profession and our resultant social status or class.

From our religious source come many messages about the ideas that we hold about ourselves and our relationship with the world and the universe. (Is it friendly or unfriendly?) Here we acquire messages about the commandments of life, our moral and ethical values and in many cases, our after-life like heaven and/or hell, all of which influence our behavior and the way we show up in the world.


Gene Pool Characteristics: sexual: birth gender, gender self-identification, sexual orientation or preference, degree of masculine and feminine energy; hereditary: racial mix, ethnic mix, genetic physical characteristics, IQ intelligence; birth defects: emotional ineffectiveness, learning incapacity, physical handicap, substance or addictive dispositions
Family Domestication: born with a substance abuse addiction; Things my parents taught me. "In our family we: do or don't ..." i.e. “Don’t speak to strangers.”; occurrence of emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse
Cultural Domestication: language, history, laws and customs, clothing and dietary traditions, all influenced by national and regional geography
Education: schooling: (How much - 6th grade or PhD), home vs. attending a school; what schools, colleges, etc. i.e. Community College vs. Harvard; profession, social status

Religion: moral values (individual and unwritten) , ethical principles (group and typically written), commandments, after life, heaven and hell

5 Primary Feelings/Emotions
Peace — — Love and Joy (present)
Sadness (past) — — Anger [The Pain Body] and Disgust (present) — — Fear (future)
4 Primary Moods
Resignation - Resentment - Acceptance - Ambition


Noticing the Voices in Our Head

A masterful professional coaching program helps people notice or observe the voices in their heads. Where do these voices come from? Almost all of them come from our conditioned tendencies and so, therefore, they can be tamed. What actually happens is that people can be helped or taught to notice or observe their conditioned tendency. Several things happen at that point.

First of all, they are able to make choices about whether or not to listen to the voices. Secondly, they can stop living in sadness or anger about the past or disgust about the present or fear about the future. They can live in the present moment of what some call the NOW and be in joy. When people are unable to notice the voices in their heads, they end up being slaves to their feelings and emotions which, left unchecked, can turn into more permanent conditions called moods.


Feelings and Emotions

There are four to six, depending on how you count them, fundamental emotions which are sadness and anger, disgust, fear, joy and love, Everyone is experiencing one or more of these predominant emotions at any given time. They can be thought of as a circle or square. With our life coaching program, we help our clients notice which basic emotional state they are in at different times. This helps them move through it with choice, release the conditioned tendency and take action or shift their state of being, so they can move back into the fundamental state of joy and love.



When we spend a considerable amount of time in a specific emotion we end up in what is called a mood. Out of our emotional states we can make an assessment of fact or an assessment as to possibility. We can either accept our moods or be in one of four other states: resentment by having some desire for secret revenge, or be in a state of resignation. We can be in a state of acceptance and live in peace or be in a state of ambition.

Transformational Change

In most cases, when a person takes an action, there is a result. If we are not satisfied or happy with the result, we change the action and seek a different result. And what if that doesn't work? It might be possible if, instead of returning to revise the action, we returned to reconsider how we were looking or noticing the resolt. There are two main ways that a life coach can apply the Transformational Change Theory and empower a person to transform or re-see him or herself by:

  • Holding up the mirror and asking if this is how they choose to show up in the world.